Elliot Valentine Lee, Mel Hornyak - Oh, Ms. Reporter!

VINCENT
Dear Ms. Reporter, I’m honored to be here
Oh, Ms. Reporter, I’ve had a busy year
I’ll say in particular
My extracurriculars
Have been quite fulfilling
As I have made a killing!

First I chose my friend Ambrose for my debut
Three years of friendship now amounts to raising both our body counts
I mutilated Drew and David, Jenny too
No more need for guessing games
Let’s spell out all these names!
A-m-b-r, Oh Ms. Reporter, you look a little faint
Well, Ms. Reporter, I’ve shown good self-restraint
‘causе it’s hard to keep it under wraps
When one slicе makes a life collapse
Folks can be so delicate
Sometimes for the hell of it

Bertha Geiser’s fertilizer in the ground
Her gardening club retirement — she did love the environment!
And I cut up poor Wyatt Schupp with an ax I found
Though some of him might find its way
Into a safer sex display

Yes , Ms. Reporter, I’ve hid them quite well
And, Ms. Reporter, as far as I can tell
No one has suspected me
Not even a bit
And this has affected me
I have to admit

I mean, no announcements made
No security increased
You would think, reporter
They would cancel class at least

Do they think this is funny?
Are they even aware
Of my talent and drive or
Do they not care?
I’ll make them notice
I’ll shove it in their face
The student body’s student bodies
Will litter the place

I’m sure you saw Gertrude’s body propped on the gate
It gave the tourists a big scare but will the admin care?
And Jeremiah might supply the Dean’s dinner plate
Surely indigestion will raise a couple questions!

And John and Tom and Ben and Gwen and Wendy and oh
Ms. Reporter! You want your paper shorter?
I can help you put the names in alphabetical order
Oh, what, you want more? A whole issue? Sure!
And a book deal and international tour?
Carve my name in stutton green
Or drench it all in gasoline
Yes, kiss the ground I walk upon!
My accomplishments go on and on
Remember my name and all I can do!
Thanks, Ms. Reporter! It’s been a pleasure
Talking to you