John Lithgow - The Remarkable Farkle McBride

Oh, pity the prodigy Farkle McBride
No matter what instrument poor Farkle tried
Whether strumming or blowing
Or drumming or bowing
His musical passions were unsatisfied

When Farkle McBride was a three-year-old tyke
All freckly, bony, and thin
He astonished his friends and his family alike
By playing superb violin

He went
And the rest of the fiddles went
The violas went
The cellos went
The bass viols went
And finally, the harp went
At last, all the strings went

And as fiddling Farkle continuеd to play
He heard a small voice that would not go away
"Play on! play on! play on!" thе voice cried
"Play on with persistence
And passion and pride
Play on from your heart
And the rest will take part
Play on, you remarkable Farkle McBride!
Play on, you remarkable Farkle McBride!"
But when he was four
Farkle played it no more
In spite of his parents beseeching
He shattered the records he used to adore
He smashed up his resin
Ripped up every score
He threw fiddle and bow to the living room floor
As he shouted "Enough of your screeching!"

When Farkle was five
His melodical gift
Once again bore rhapsodical fruit
The woodwinds inspired his spirits to lift
And he rapidly mastered the flute

He went
And the other flutes went
The oboe went
The clarinet went
The bassoon went
And finally, the piccolo went
At last, all the woodwinds went

His father was thrilled
His mother, elated
And inside his head, the voice sang unabated
"Play on! play on! play on!" the voice cried
"Play on with persistence
And passion and pride
Play on from your heart
And the rest will take part
Play on, you remarkable Farkle McBride!
Play on, you remarkable Farkle McBride!"
But at six, Farkle flung the flute into the lake
Notwithstanding its lyrical trill
He stamped on the dock
'Til you'd think it would break
"That's it" he exclaimed "I've had all I can take!
That tootling gives me a brutal headache
It's so wimpy, and whiny, and shrill"

When Farkle was seven
A different sound
Rekindled his musical flame
He became the most expert trombonist around
And the boulevards buzzed with his name

He went
The other trombones when
The trumpets went
The French horn went
Finally, the tuba went
At last, all the brass went

The brass cavalcade had a beautiful ring
And the voice inside Farkle continued to sing
"Play on! play on! play on!" the voice cried
"Play on with persistence
And passion and pride
Play on from your heart
And the rest will take part
Play on, you remarkable Farkle McBride!
Play on, you remarkable Farkle McBride!"
But at eight he declared, to his parents' despair
And as everyone else might have guessed
"I can't stand the trombone
With its *blaat* and its blare
That racket is more than my eardrums can bear
So return it or throw it away! I don't care!
I despise it, just like all the rest!"

When Farkle was 9
Both his father and mum
Were bursting with pride and affection
For Farkle learned xylophone
Cymbals and drum
The entire percussionist section!

He went
The snare drum went
The bass drum went
The kettledrums went
The symbols went
And finally, the triangle went
At last, all the percussions went

As he wielded his tambourine
Drumsticks and hammer
The little voice called him
Above all the clamor
"Play on! play on! play on!" the voice cried
"Play on with persistence
And passion and pride
Play on from your heart
And the rest will take part
Play on, you remarkable Farkle McBride!
Play on, you remarkable Farkle McBride!"

But soon Farkle fell prey to his usual gloom
Despite all the praise and the flattery
First a sigh, then a sulk, then a frown, then a fume
Then an ear-splitting tantrum that emptied the room
"I can't stand it!" he bellowed
"The crash in the boom
And the clang in the bang of the battery!"

Poor Farkle at ten, howsoever renowned
Reached the end of his musical tether
But then he discovered his favorite sound
Musicians all playing together

It happened like this:
The conductor caught cold
On the day of a major recital
"You've got to replace him!"
Young Farkle was told
"Your cooperation is vital!"
So he took the baton
And he gave the downbeat
And KABOOM!
The foundations were shaken
By glorious music
Bombastic and sweet
That filled up the hall and spilled into the street
Music that brought the whole crowd to its feet
From the instruments he had forsaken

They went
They went
They went
They went
They went
And they finally went
At last, they all went

And then, as the orchestra drew to an end
The voice sang a different song to its friend
"Lead on! lead on! lead on!" the voice cried
"Lead on with persistence
And passion and pride
Lead on from your heart
And the rest will take part
Lead on, you remarkable Farkle McBride!
Lead on, you remarkable Farkle McBride!"

Since that sparkling night
Maestro Farkle McBride
Conducts all the instruments he ever tried
His happy heart sings
To brass, drums, winds, and strings
And remarkable Farkle's at last...
Satisfied!