Tom Cardy - Bards have all the fun

★ Tom ★
A single flute note is played as the background music begins

★ DM, spoken ★
On the horizon of this forest path you see a group of dark cloaked figures slowly trudging towards you, what do you do?

★ Barbarian player, spoken ★
My half-orc barbarian braces her greathammer and- **rolls dice** thats a one

★ DM, spoken ★
Critical fail, Steve what do you do?

★ Steve, spoken ★
Well I believe in anticipation my rouge would try and hide behind a tree-**rolls dice** ok I rolled a 1-...

★ DM, spoken ★
That's another critical fail, Tom what does your human bard do?

★ Tom, spoken ★
**small amount of flute notes**
Active Perception Check
**dice roll**

★ DM, spoken ★
That's a natural 20…

★ Tom, *spoken*, sung ★
*Let’s fucking go.*
**large amount of flute notes**
I feel it in my fingers
**snap**
I feel it in my toes
**flute note**
These muthafuckas mean to harm us
And they got to go
So come on, get ‘em now
You picked the wrong day
To fuck around with my
Tight
Crew
Uh
Huh
There’s no escapin’ it!
I can perceive you
Here’s what we’re gonna do!
**flute**
Me and ma boys gonna mess you up!

★ Barbarian player, spoken ★
I rolled a one

★ Steve, spoken ★
I rolled a one

★ Tom, sung, *spoken* ★:
Fuck :D!
**flute**
My boys are otherwise engaged!
So I’m gonna bring it all myself
*Hey- I forgot, you’re supposed to tell me what I see, right?*

★ DM, spoken ★
Yes, thank you let’s just slow it all down a bit
So you notice that one of the cloaked figures is a little shorter-

★ Tom, *spoken*, sung ★
*I cast VICIOUS MOCKERY*
**dice roll**
*Nat 20! Lets go!!*
You’re a short muthafucka
And nobody likes you!
**flute**
SHORT!
Everybody says
“Look how fucking short that guy is”
And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships!
And when you were born everyone thought that you were just a head
But then the doctor said:
“Wait!
This stupid muthafucka tiny short ass baby
Got a tiny little itty bitty body and I
Hate it.”

★ DM, spoken ★
Your attack lands and absolutely
SHATTERS
The mind of the cloaked figure
Perception check, please

★ Tom, spoken ★
**dice roll**
Nat 20
Lets go!

★ DM, spoken ★
You perceive the figure was so short because it was a
CHILD

★ Tom, spoken ★
It’s always a kid

★ DM, spoken ★
Specifically the child you’ve been looking for
For the past 15 days game time
And 5 days of our actual lives!

★ Tom, spoken ★
Ok! I’m sorry
I didn’t know, I’ll be better
Fu- His body’s just lying there, right?
…
Right?

★ DM, spoken ★
Yes?
…DON’T-

Tom ★ sung ★:
Loot that body!
(gotta loot that body now!)
Loot that body!
(gotta loot that muthafucka!)
Play my flute when I loot that dead kid’s body!
**intense flute playing**
BITCH!